♈ Aries (March 21 - April 19):
“I’m gonna be calm today. Just good vibes and inner peace.” Fast forward to you arguing with Siri because she misunderstood your voice memo and now your whole day is ruined. Like, you tried.
♉ Taurus (April 20 - May 20):
“I’m getting up after this one snooze.” LMAO. Your alarm's been working overtime and you still wake up disoriented, wrapped in your blanket burrito like it’s a trust fall.
♊ Gemini (May 21 - June 20):
“I’m not texting them. I’m so over it.” You say that with your whole chest, but your thumb is already hovering over the ‘drafts’ folder, rereading your emotionally chaotic 3-paragraph message. Again.
♋ Cancer (June 21 - July 22):
“This time, I’m emotionally unavailable.” But you cried over a dog adoption video before brushing your teeth and now you’re wondering if the Golden Retriever you saw at PetSmart was your soulmate.
♌ Leo (July 23 - August 22):
“I’ll be humble today.” You actually believe that—until someone compliments your outfit and suddenly you’re walking like it’s a runway and the theme is “The main character returns from a redemption arc.”
♍ Virgo (August 23 - September 22):
“Today I’ll just go with the flow.” But you're already 3 spreadsheets deep, have a backup outfit planned for any weather emergency, and you're still mad your roommate moved your almond butter slightly left on the shelf.
♎ Libra (September 23 - October 22):
“I’m gonna make fast decisions today.” And yet somehow, you spent 25 minutes debating whether to wear the white sneakers or the off-white sneakers. And you’re still not convinced you made the right choice.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 - November 21):
“I’m done. I’ve moved on.” Meanwhile, you’ve got a fake Spotify account named “NotAScorpio69” stalking their public playlists trying to figure out who “Megan's Song” is about.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21):
“I’m staying in tonight. I need rest.” And then 3 hours later you’re already halfway to a rooftop party with people you met in an elevator. Your outfit? Flawless. Your bank account? Trembling.
♑ Capricorn (December 22 - January 19):
“I’m having a slow, easy day.” That’s hilarious, because you’ve already answered work emails from bed, fixed your best friend’s crisis, and plotted a 10-year financial plan before your first coffee.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 - February 18):
“I’m gonna blend in today.” But 20 minutes later you’re arguing with someone in line at Starbucks about why money should be abolished and pigeons are clearly government spies. You were never meant to blend in.
♓ Pisces (February 19 - March 20):
“I’m gonna get stuff done today.” But first you spent 45 minutes staring into your cereal bowl while imagining what you’d say in your Oscar acceptance speech. Your to-do list is sobbing.